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"What depresses me most is not the fact that England lose in Australia, but that they're laying down and dying."

These were the words of Ray Illingworth yesterday, one of the many who have tried and failed the seemingly impossible task of elevating England to a competitive cricketing nation.

The Ashes are ours again!

Analysis later.

Uproar this week over the release of "Barney Cam 5: Barney's Christmas Adventure", the latest in an annual series of documentaries produced by, and starring, the US Scottie-in-Chief, Barney the Dog.

Featured in this nine-minute expose of the corridors of White House power are the President's special adviser, Rove McManus, and the US Underscottie-in-Chief, Miss Beazley.

And, I can reveal here exclusively that Miss Beazley's previously-undisclosed first name is Kim.

This is a real hoot. Klezmer is traditional Jewish music, and in 1998 an American klezmer band called the Klezmonauts decided to have a go at some Christmas songs. Hence the wonderfully tongue-in-cheek album entitled "Oy To The World".

And on the markets this Saturday morning: Dax are up, Dow closes on a record high, and Australia are 100-1 on to win the Ashes (source: Paddypower)

Having missed almost all of the second day's play due to AGMs and children (although I did happen to chance upon seeing the conclusion of the England innings), I'll refer instead to the comments of others.

Hot on the heels of the Madcap Redhead's proclamation that South African immigrants have AIDS and are of no use in Australia, the Tamworth City Council voted on Tuesday night to reject the establishment of a refugee resettlement centre for five Sudanese families.

The reason? The Sydney Morning Herald quotes Tamworth mayor James Treloar as saying they didn't want a "Cronulla riots type situation" in Tamworth.

We could all go insane wondering What If Monty Played In Brisbane And Adelaide? At least he didn't get Mister Cricket, whose Test career batting average has climbed to 85.35.

Still, I'm going to stick my neck out and say that Australia will take a first innings lead some time Friday afternoon.

My Midwinter-Midwinters: Monty Panesar 3 pts; Michael Hussey 2 pts; Steve Harmison 1 point.

"Indeed, the first patient chart is that of Fanny Bright, an 89-year-old woman from Major Manor Care, who has a history of vomiting blood. Fanny seems cheerful and a little confused."

- It's amazing what you can find on Google, and she's still not a real person.

Mary and Joseph on their way to Bethlehem. Or at least that's what the sign in the shop window says they are doing.